My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here