Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.