Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally