My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..