I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I had to Stop for this
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Breaking news:
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal