I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
checking out some reviews of my local library
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.