Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!