Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.