my mind
You just read my mind
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.