Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it