π€¦π»ββοΈππ
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
A boy at school tells me Iβm looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
βD I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R Eβ
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
βWhaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.β
βOk. Itβs a date.β
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My kidβs high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess whoβs teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, βSHOW ME THE WARRANT!!β
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If youβre having money problems, donβt get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncleβs backyard
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
βSon, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.β
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*