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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Breaking news:
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.