I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.