Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.