I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you