Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”