The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.