“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6