At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
💁🏻♂️
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Spell check is for lasers.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.