*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”