I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
For the ones in the back.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.