Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
then why did i get this email
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks