I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .