Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”