Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: