“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
blocked.
Goat cheese is for herders.