If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”