Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes