Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.