SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
i dont have time for this
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.