#parenting
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”