“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I don’t get marriage
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.