Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?