When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..