6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Always
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.