If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
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I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?