You have been warned.
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Follow me for more life hacks.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no