On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu