As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Choose your fighter
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Just a phase…
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*