I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You Might Also Like
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not stressed
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension