I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
God has abandoned us.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”