I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
This classic never gets old . . .
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears