“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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Don’t snitch tag.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?