You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly