We need to put an American base on the sun
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]