Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?