I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
🙋♀️
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.