Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on