I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Vodka burrito was a success
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: