Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.